How I am since you have been gone:5 years

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Well Uncle Ozzie, it has been 5 years since you have left this world. In some ways I catch myself when I think about going to family gatherings and you are no longer there. Sometimes I wish I said more, saw you more….but even if I did everything I wish I had done I still would have found more that I wish I had done.

Pictures that nobody takes because that was your thing. We have all changed within the last 5 years. I hope that your proud of me.

I hate thinking about the hours that led up to saying good-bye.

The drive to the hospital, pulling up and seeing my grandmother waiting by the door.

The numbness I felt walking through the halls. Praying that a miracle would happen and that I didn’t have to say goodbye. I have always hated good-byes…it feels so final. Seeing you lying in that hospital bed and knowing that the man laying there wasn’t really you.

The only thing I could think to say as my last words to you, was that I loved you. I am glad that in the shock and numbness that I had even clarity to say those words.

5 years today. Has it really been 5 years?

You always thought to take the pictures, always wrote LOVE ME in our cards. The train gardens, and driving around to look at Christmas lights. Bear hugs and the threats of the tickle monster. To you squeezing my hand right before I walked down the aisle. Memories that I will take with me. Keep with me forever.

I am so thankful that I had you in my life, for the 22 years I had you in it.

I miss you.

Rough Waters

All I can say is this week has been an interesting one to say the least. The scary thing is; it’s only Wednesday! Here is the run down of my week so far.

My Uncle Ozzie’s viewing was on Sunday. I chose to stay home from church that morning just to have a moment just to pray and read. My husband was sick. The past couple nights leading up to Sunday morning, I had a difficult time sleeping. Saturday night I was exhausted. So I was able to catch up on some sleep. So my morning quickly turned into playing nurse before leaving. On top of my husband being sick, the Durango wouldn’t start. Thankfully my mom came and got me, and my grandmother brought me home.

Family is very important to me. It is something I want to teach my own children. Importance of family. Even though the circumstances were not the best, but I have always loved how close knit my mom’s side of the family is. I love walking in and getting hugs and the words I love you is used. That is the kind of family unit, I want to bring my children into. I am so grateful that I had to share a room with my sisters. My sisters and my mom are really my best friends. Life is too short to hold grudges, be snotty, rude and unloving towards each other.

The funeral service was the next morning. The day was tough. One of the things that ticked me off was when people were cutting through our procession to the church after the service at the funeral home. I couldn’t believe people were so rude! Later that afternoon as we sat together and ate. I decided to raid the snack table. Okay, I didn’t really raid it. I just picked what looked good. Originally I wasn’t going to. Sitting there and in my mind just going through my archives of memories. When I was little, and I would go over to any family functions. I always had my eye on all the goodies. So I would tell Uncle Ozzie, that I ate at home so I could have dessert. It seemed fitting that I should eat dessert.

Now we have come to Wednesday. The Durango had to go back into the shop. Just the amount of things going on trends to feel just over whelming. I believe that God is really just preparing me for what is to come. I love the song, It Is Well. I pray that my attitude reflects those three small words. Everyone says that God doesn’t give us more then what we can handle. I on the other hand think He does. In those moments where I just feel like everything is going wrong, He wants me to cling to Him even more. More so in the moments when it’s too hard. It doesn’t make sense why everything is happening in the timing that it is. It really never does. I pray that I will take the time to count my blessings instead of my woes.

Tomorrow, I will be blogging days 2 and 3, of my favorite things. Day 2 is books and day 3 is hobbies. 🙂


Alway’s in My Heart

* I am taking a small break from the blog series I have been doing on my favorite things. I will be doing a post in a few days to complete the series in one post. I am going to be blogging on what is going on in my personal life right now. Thank you for understanding. *

Last night, I headed down to the hospital. It all felt just like one bad dream and I couldn’t wake up from it. I hadn’t slept well the night before due to checking my phone every hour afraid I would miss a call or text. I walked through the doors of hospital and was met by my grandmother. Then began the long walk to the ICU. It seemed to take forever. My tears were blurring my sight and I was trying to keep myself together so that I can just say good bye the way I wanted to. As we entered the ICU my grandmother grabbed my hand as we walked towards the rest of my family.

My Great uncle Ozzie, was going to be taken off of life support. Nothing could have prepared me for this. Not only did we have to say good bye to a great man, but this month is already a hard month. Today marks the 5 year anniversary of my cousin Chrissy’s death. Today we are mourning two great people, taken to soon. A day and five years apart.

As I entered into his room to say my good byes. It seemed just like yesterday, every time I saw him I would giggle and hide because I knew he was going to tickle me. It seems like yesterday he and I would talk, and he would tell me to listen to my heart, and that as long as the decisions I made, made me happy and were right for me, it didn’t matter what anybody else thought. You get a card in the mail and he would sign every card with ” LOVE ME” in caps. If he got you a present and knew you would like it, he would wrap the gift with more tape then wrapping paper. making it next to impossible to open it.

I hugged my aunts and then I gave my uncle Ozzie a kiss and told him that I loved him. Then was with him when he took his last breath. It was the hardest things I have ever had to. I was blessed to have known him. I am blessed to have a close knit family that loves each other. After he had left us, I was holding his hand in mine (while my aunt stepped out for a little bit). I sat there and just couldn’t believe he was gone. No longer is he in pain. After we had let the hospital, I saw so many trucks ( uncle Ozzie was a trucker) in some ways seeing all those trucks was like God saying everything was going to be okay.

Good byes are not easy. Especially when it is someone you love. You don’t think saying good bye is even possible until your forced to. In some ways, it doesn’t feel real. I talked to mom, and told Colin that I loved him. Took a nap, because I had a hard time sleeping last night. I am thankful he was at my wedding, my graduation, birthday parties.. Thankful for every hug and advice.

I want to take a moment and thank everybody who has sent their well wishes and prayers for my family. We appreciate it very much.

I love you Uncle Ozzie and Chrissy

Photo credit: My aunt Koren Rawlings with other great aunts and grandmother and my great uncle Ozzie.

My uncle Ozzie, my mom and I am the baby and the little girl is Chrissy.

~ Brandy