Well hello and welcome to my little home on the internet. I know, I know it has been awhile since my last post. To be honest, I haven’t felt like blogging. I was super uninspired and no matter how many times I would attempt to write, nothing would come. I have had an interesting year, if you have read any of my previous posts, you probably gathered that. I do hope however, that you read this post. I have spent the past few months on a journey. As ridiculous and so cliché as this is going to sound, I have been reacquainting myself with me. Somewhere along the line, I felt like I lost myself. I felt like all the pieces were coming undone and I couldn’t stop it. My anxiety has been bad…. I have just been one hot mess. I failed myself.
I think we think way too much about what others think or what people would say. I was super content, even if it made me miserable, to fit into a box that others have put me in. All because I was afraid to be myself. I was embarrassed because I didn’t view things the way everyone else did. I am a very creative, imaginative person. So I view things from all kinds of angles and I like to see things half full instead of half empty. I believe everyone moves into different chapters in their lives and it is the way it is suppose to be because God wills it so. I see no point in being jealous over any season that someone else finds themselves in. All in due time.
I remember middle school and being bullied. The moment someone tells you what they think or calls you names you start to question your worth and your identity. My identity crisis began as early as 10 at a VBS. High school, the goody good label floated around, all in all being a goody good isn’t all together bad. I just didn’t believe that I was good. I suffered from anxiety and depression, I felt because I was Saved and I trusted Jesus that I would never have to deal with those things. I felt ashamed that I suffered from these things so I suffered in silence as the world around me saw me as this pink loving bubbly girl. It was a front to cover up the fact that I was drowning in the lies I believed myself. I gave the people what I thought they wanted. It led me into a relationship that ended up doing even more damage. I thought because we both used music as an outlet that we would ride off towards the sunset and make music or something. Before I knew it, I was feeling like I wasn’t good enough, because I think truly to him, I wasn’t. It is always a crushing blow to find out the person you have loved, imagined and planned a life with and around, clearly didn’t see it that way. My first real taste in heartbreak. It was easier to allow for the thoughts of unworthiness to be a broken record, because to change it meant getting up and changing the record and facing the ugly broken parts of yourself.
Sexual harassment/assault has a way of changing you as well. The moment someone take liberties whether through rape, or what seems as harmless as someone pulling your bra, has a way of making you feel like an object. I already had enough going on without having someone who felt the need to pull the back of my bra in the workplace and then say “Hi”. So not only did I have all the labels that I believed in myself but tack on feeling like an object.. No one should be made to feel like an object. I had a few people tell me that I was being dramatic and that I was overreacting because it was “just my bra”. True it was. However my feelings and my emotions were real. I felt traumatized because I never thought something like that would have ever happen to me. Yes, I moved on but I still remember the details of that moment.
So all this time, I have believed I was this messed up girl. All this time I believed that I was unworthy, not good enough… I felt like I couldn’t be myself because I never really allowed myself to come into my own fully. Because what if it’s not what people think I should be? All the assumptions that people make about my character is just that, assumptions. In trying to keep the peace, in trying to cover the brokenness, I never quite allowed myself to get to know myself. Here is the thing, God, Himself created me. He created me from my outer appearance to every little personality quirk (Psalm 139:13-14). He knew every part of my story, even the parts I have yet to reach. So here I am. I love to write stories and lyrics, I love to sing and listen to music. I love to read and watch tv shows. I love boho style clothes and I prefer the color purple over pink. I like to wear black and paint my nails dark colors. I have lost friends and gained new ones. I would love to be a mom someday but I am content with where I am in my life right now. I love to travel and see places new and old. I love to camp and have bonfires. I have loved and been loved. My trails and hard times are simply parts of the story, and don’t define the outcome. I love my small wedding ring more then any other piece of jewelry I own, because it reflects who I am. I am a daughter, wife, granddaughter, niece, cousin, sister, friend and I take those roles very seriously. I like to be creative and I want to tap more into that side of me. This is who I am. Not what others have said or made me feel. Not what I allowed myself to believe. I am who God created me to be and that is enough for me. I don’t need to impress anyone or be anything other then that. Neither do you. Be yourself. Be who you were created to be. Don’t be the person other people created because I can tell you this, they don’t know you like The One who created you to begin with. Trust that He knew what He was doing putting you on this earth, because He put you here for a reason. To do amazing things in His name.